I
The title might sound a bit dramatic, but the truth is, I’ve been practicing law since I had just one child. Now, with five kids, I’m still a lawyer. I’ve always felt that, despite having five children, my mindset hasn’t changed much.
If anything has changed, it’s probably how people look at me. I remember once chatting with a fellow lawyer about my fifth baby, and another lawyer, visibly puzzled, asked, “Wait, Attorney Xu, did you say ‘fifth’? What do you mean?” We all burst out laughing—yes, “fifth” means exactly what it sounds like.
People often ask me how I manage work after having kids, especially after having five. They also wonder how we make a living since moving to the U.S., considering that my Chinese law license isn’t valid here.
Since the topic is work, let’s dive right in.
II
I’m a criminal lawyer with over a decade of experience, and I’m now a partner at a large law firm.
To get straight to the point: having kids hasn’t really disrupted my work.
Many people see having children and career development as mutually exclusive, but I find that view a bit extreme. Sure, raising kids takes time, but so do plenty of other things in life—eating, drinking, and having fun all take time.
But there’s one thing that’s true: my ability to juggle five kids and a career is closely tied to the fact that my job doesn’t require me to clock in at an office every day.
When I had my first child, I deliberately chose a job that didn’t require office hours because I wanted to be there for my kids.
I’ve always been a free spirit, and even before having kids, I knew I wasn’t cut out for a 9-to-5 job. After my first child was born, I was determined to find work that allowed flexibility. It suited my personality and enabled me to balance work and family.
At that time, people told me how tough it would be to succeed as a lawyer, especially with the low starting salary. But that didn’t bother me; I was young, and money wasn’t my priority—finding the right direction was.
I always knew I wanted to raise my kids myself. It was a simple belief. I never considered hiring a nanny or having my parents raise them. We’ve never had a postpartum nurse, and from my second child onward, I did my own postpartum care (more on that in another article “我的非典型坐月子经” ).
III
I’ve always liked having a Plan B, so I had a backup plan in case law didn’t work out: I’d become a cashier at the small local supermarket. This way, I could work and take care of my kids.
It might sound funny now, but I was serious at the time. People would ask, “How could you, with a master’s degree, consider being a cashier?”
But why not?
I believe being a cashier is a skillful job. You have to stock shelves, learn the cash register, smile at customers, and keep an eye out for shoplifters. Plus, I could work while taking care of my kids, maybe even tell them stories during slow times. Once I got the hang of it, and the kids grew older, I might have opened my own little store—who knows? Maybe it could have turned into something big.
Though my dream of becoming a supermarket owner didn’t pan out, I think the essence of being a lawyer is similar. The key to doing good work is realizing that “this job is for me, not for my boss.” As an assistant, I knew I wanted to be an independent lawyer someday, so I worked hard to learn the trade, not just to collect a paycheck.
I switched to criminal law after having my first child, and after over a decade, I’ve watched my boss transition from lawyer to pastor (haha). My boss has always been good to me (more on that in another article “我的基督徒老板”), and when my kids were young, he often let me leave work by three or four o’clock to pick them up. We never had strict office hours; our work was task-oriented—like finishing a case file today or drafting a defense statement tomorrow. That meant a lot of travel and occasional late nights, but I didn’t mind the hard work. I actually enjoyed it—I guess I’m well-suited to a non-office job.
Many people want a “respectable” job. That’s not how I see it. Before I had kids, I worked at a listed company. Sure, it sounded impressive and paid well, but I felt lost about my future—my career plan wasn’t as clear as the path from cashier to store owner.
Thus, as a mom, I believe that instead of chasing a “respectable” job, it’s more practical to find work that “doesn’t require office hours” and “suits you.”
IV
There’s a lot of talk these days about women being strong and independent. To me, independence is more about personal integrity—being mentally strong and having a skill set, so that even if my husband leaves me, I wouldn’t feel like the world is ending.
But this notion of independence is often twisted by those with ulterior motives to mean “a woman must have her own income,” as if without it, you can’t be independent.
That’s a false premise: plenty of women with jobs still drift through life aimlessly, and many stay-at-home moms live fulfilling lives.
I have no issue with being a stay-at-home mom. In fact, I’d love to be one, but our financial situation doesn’t allow it. I’ve heard many stories of stay-at-home moms who feel unfulfilled at home. I don’t have that issue. I have five kids, and even if I did nothing else, I’d feel pretty accomplished. Haha.
Some people say, “You have a master’s degree, and if you don’t work, wasn’t that education wasted?” I don’t think so. I discuss learning with my kids every day and often feel like my knowledge and experience are barely enough. Having a master’s degree helps me manage my family better and raise my children well—education is never wasted.
Many mothers blame having kids for interrupting their careers. But if they didn’t have kids, would their careers really be skyrocketing? Like those men who don’t have to take care of children, by the time they reach their thirties and forties, some are successful, and some are average.
Of course, I’m not saying my career is extraordinary. However, as mentioned in another article”对对对，我们家老五囡百日啦“, my kids have indeed motivated me to keep learning. With many kids to raise, I feel like I can’t just take it easy—I always push myself to do more.
V
Before we moved abroad, I mainly focused on criminal defense and often appeared in court. In our line of work, some colleagues don’t even read the full case files, and during trials, they might not discuss the evidence thoroughly, instead reading from a generic defense statement.
Looking back, I realize that in China, just being slightly more diligent in handling criminal cases could make you stand out. The reason bad lawyers drive out the good ones is that, whether you hire a good lawyer or a lazy one, the outcome of the case often seems the same. This discourages lawyers from honing their skills(also see “是从什么时候开始，认真也成了一种罪过“).
For those of us who truly care about doing criminal defense right, this is incredibly frustrating. Before I left the country, I had dinner with Attorney Si (he is a very famous lawyer), with whom I’d collaborated on some cases. He thought it was a pity for me to leave, believing I had great potential in China. He said that even if I passed the bar abroad, I’d likely end up as an immigration lawyer.
I hadn’t thought that far ahead, but I knew I wouldn’t become an immigration lawyer—I don’t like that field.
Life is about finding something you enjoy and sticking with it. If you spend enough time and effort on it, even a turtle can outrun a hare.
So what am I doing now? Over the past year, I’ve collaborated with some international firms on domestic criminal non-litigation cases. I’m also currently working with a California lawyer on a complex criminal case—I don’t appear in court, but my work is still meaningful and helps the client. Collaborating with the California lawyer has taught me a lot about practical legal work.
Before we moved, I didn’t know what I would do, but miraculously, God continues to provide. My income has definitely been cut in half, but I have more time with my kids and more time to study (I’ll write more about continuous learning later), for which I’m very grateful.
VI
Lastly, let’s talk about how I find time for work and for my kids.
– Time for Work
It’s really simple for us. The four older kids go to daycare or school during the day. We have a baby who takes regular naps. My husband helps with some chores, and the older kids pitch in too (more on that in another article “脱离高能耗式育儿模式“).
I never watch short videos because I have high standards for music and can’t stand low-quality background tracks. I’m very picky about TV shows—if a season has more than 10 episodes, I’m unlikely to watch it because the plot drags. I don’t use social media because I’m lazy, and I rarely browse my friend wechat circle or play games lately.
Thus I find I have quite a bit of time to work and study each day. Haha—time is something you can always find if you really want to do something.
– Time for Kids
A few days ago, I met an older lady who has seven children, the oldest in their forties and the youngest 26. She told me that when she got married, her husband wanted to have 12 children, but they ended up with seven on earth, as five of their babies were lost around the 20-week mark. Yet, she remains content.
When we talked about raising children, she shared that she spends time each day praying for each of her kids. She believes that the purpose of this prayer is to remind her for whom she is working and who is truly in control. This way, she doesn’t get caught up in the daily hustle, trying to meet every single need of her children, like many other moms might.
I found her perspective very enlightening. I’m the same way—I can’t possibly attend to every detail in each of my children’s lives. But as we spend time together, I’ve noticed that each child’s growth follows its own unique path, and my role is more limited than I thought.
VII
When we were living in Shanghai, people were always astonished when they heard we had so many kids.
Honestly, it wasn’t just others who found it unbelievable—I did too. I never planned on having five children. Sometimes I suddenly realize, “Oh wow, I have five kids!” It’s quite something!
However, I’ve never felt that having kids has made my life miserable or that I’ve lost my freedom.
