在喜马拉雅“爱的不朽传说”电台亦可收听
我没有和Helen还有凯凯一起去看过歌剧，所以我想我应该给他们解释一些东西。我说：“看歌剧的时候呀，你是预先知道故事情节的。这场戏呢就是讲一个女孩做了很愚蠢的事情，最后她死了。”
开门后，我们找到位置坐下，我带着凯凯到最前面看演奏乐队坐的地方。然后歌剧就开始了，对于一群大学生来说，真是棒到令人惊讶。
我对Helen说：“我想我还没有摇过耳朵给你看。”
“什么？！”她叫到。下一秒，她深呼吸，眼睛瞪得无比大，然后努力聚焦—明显是也想摇动她的耳朵。她直问我是怎么做到的，我开始笑起来。
“你们在干嘛呢？”Merry坐在凯凯另一边，她一直在和Cecelia讲话（所以没看到我们的表演）。我身子往前靠，也将耳朵摇动给她看，但是这回尝试了很多次才成功，因为我没法边笑边动耳朵。 “哇！太怪了！”Merry叫起来，同时Cecelia说她知道怎么动。然后她就开始试，不过开头也是笑不停。最后她终于成功了，Merry惊呆了。
Merry和Helen努力摆动耳朵的时候，凯凯问我，“Dad，你还有什么花招？”
“你又在干嘛？”Helen现在注意到我们了。
问题一：过去你的爱是建立在伴侣的品格和言行之上，还是建立在你的承诺之上？
从根本上来说，是建立在我的承诺之上，因为我就是这样被教育大的。但是很少有机会让我得依靠我的承诺去爱她，因为绝大多数时候她的言行举止都是那么可爱，我不知道有谁会不爱她。而当她行为不可爱的时候，我理解那都是因为我或者我的孩子们引起的问题让她心情沮丧了……看起来更多是我的问题，不是她的问题。
问题二：如果你不能获得期望的回报，你又如何继续表达你的爱？
我就温和地，一遍遍地告诉她我爱她，深情地抚慰她，如果是我的错，我就不停道歉，保持耐心。
Helen won this day easily. I had a ton of work and hit the end of the day without having had a chance to think about the Love Dare. And Helen? Why, she went to the opera Manon with me, at the University of Houston. I love the opera, while she doesn't know much about it and would never have gone on her own. So this was very definitely a case of her being nice to me, especially since it meant leaving the house at6:00 and not getting back until almost midnight.
Kai went with us as well, and we met Merry and her friend Cecelia at a restaurant near the University of Houston campus. It was our first time to meet Cecelia, who seems like a very nice young lady. Now, it is a father's duty to embarrass his daughter whenever possible. So I called up the article I wrote almost ten years ago, when ten-year-old Merry went to her very first opera with me, and I let Cecelia read it. (http://redneckperil.blogspot.com/2007/04/merry-meets-ada.html, but probably blocked in China.)
Since Kai and Helen had never been to an opera, I thought I had better explain some things to them. In particular, I told them, "When you go to an opera, you're expected to already know the story. So, here's what happens in this opera: the main girl does some really stupid things and in the end she dies."
Kai said something like, "Really, that's the plot?"
He grinned from ear to ear. "I LIKE it," he told me. Merry looked at Cecelia and explained, "He's still just eleven…"
"Twelve!" Kai corrected her firmly.
But operas last a long time, and I still had not done anything unusual or special for the Love Dare. As we sat in our seats during the five-minute scenery change between the fifth and sixth scenes, I decided that if I couldn't do anything unusually special, I could at least do something unusually silly. And there was one thing I had never done for Helen in five whole years of marriage.
"I don't think I've ever wiggled my ears for you," I said to Helen.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
So I wriggled my ears.
Some people can actually make just their ears waggle. I can't do that, but I can slide my whole scalp backward and forward on my skull, which makes my ears move back and forth. I don't know that it's what you would call impressive, but if you've never seen it before it's at least surprising. Helen was definitely surprised.
"WHAT??" she squeaked. The next moment, she took a deep breath, widened her eyes as far as they would open, and then actually crossed them in concentration — clearly trying to make her ears move. I started laughing as she demanded, "How did you do that?"
"What are you guys doing?" asked Merry, on the other side of Kai. She had been talking to Cecelia. I leaned forward and showed her, though it took me several tries, since I can't wriggle my ears and laugh at the same time. "Whoa, that's WEIRD!" exclaimed Merry, and at the same time Cecelia said, "Oh, I know how to do that!" She tried to demonstrate, but couldn't stop laughing at first. Finally she managed it, to Merry's awe.
Cecelia began explaining to Merry that you just have to move your scalp muscle. "But how do you move your scalp muscle?" asked Merry, putting her fingertips on top of head and apparently trying to push her scalp back and forth. "How do you even know which muscle IS your scalp muscle?" chimed in Helen.
"Do what?" asked Kai, who was sitting next to her and hadn't seen me the first time. I wriggled my ears again. "COOL!" exclaimed Kai, and immediately leaned forward, assumed an attitude of intense concentration, and began grimacing as if he were having severe digestive difficulties. His ears didn't budge. By now I was helpless with laughter.
I chuckled. "Before I had a moustache, I could stick out my tongue and touch the end of my nose," I told him. "I can't do it now, though, because my moustache pushes my tongue out too far from my face." I showed him.
By now Helen was paying attention to us. "What are you DOING?"
"I was just showing Kai how I used to be able to stick out my tongue and touch the tip of my nose," I told her. "Can't do it now because of my moustache, but I used to be able to. In fact," I added, "when I was in junior high, I could stick out my tongue and touch my ear."
"No way!" she said. Kai, who knew the trick because I had played it on him before, started to say, "No, Mom, wait, I know how!" So, quickly, before he could get her attention and give it away, I stuck my tongue straight out — and reached up with my index finger and touched my ear with it.
"Oh, you!" Helen snorted, half annoyed at being tricked and half laughing. Kai and I were giggling delightedly. I looked over and Merry was still, with Cecelia's diligent tutoring, trying to wriggle her ears. It struck me that all the other people sitting around us were very sedately waiting for the next scene to start, while my entire family were wriggling their ears and making faces and sticking out their tongues. I leaned across Helen and Kai to get Cecelia's attention.
"Cecelia," I said with a straight face, "we are a VERY sophisticated family — as you can see from how we behave when we go to the opera."
So, I don't know whether I made Helen feel like I loved her by doing something unusually special. But I at least managed to make her laugh by doing something unusually silly.
QUESTION 1: Has your love in the past been based on your spouse's attributes and behavior, or on your own commitment?
Fundamentally it's based on my commitment, because that's how I was raised. But only rarely do I have to fall back on commitment, as most of the time her attributes and behavior are so delightful I can't see how anybody could NOT love her. And when her behavior isn't lovable, most of the time I can understand that she's depressed or unhappy because of MY behavior, or because of problems my kids are causing…and that seems like it's more my fault than hers.
QUESTION 2: How can you continue to show love when it's not returned in a way you hoped for?
I just stay gentle and keep telling her I love her, keeping touching her affectionately, keep apologizing when it's my fault, and just stay patient.
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“爱的不朽传说”
