10.只有无条件才能让你的爱延续一生（炼爱第10天）

2015.10.23

如果一个男人对妻子说“我不再爱你了”，他其实要说的是“我从一开始就不曾无条件地爱你”。

他的爱建立在感觉或客观环境之上，而不是承诺上。

对于书中这段话，我的体会很深刻。我曾亲耳听到过这样的话，因为感觉不再爱了，所以婚姻就没有必要存在了，所以一个家就这样散了。

撇开伤痛不谈，从那以后我学习到一个道理：人的爱不可靠，太飘摇，如果没有根植在一个牢不可破的磐石上，婚姻真是随时都可能失败。

因为人都会犯错，情绪都有失控的时候，生活中总有风雨来袭，如果对婚姻的看法只不过就是那一张纸质的证书，真是分分秒秒都有分裂的可能，谁还撕不破那张纸呢？！

我最想不通的时候，有一位姐姐告诉我：“没有上帝的爱在你们的生命中，别说十年的感情，二十年三十年四十年都不算什么，七十岁离婚的也不稀奇。”所以最后我才告诉自己，除非有一个虔诚爱上帝的人出现，我是不可能再考虑组建家庭了。感谢上帝，祂给我找到了最好的。

书上还说，“爱，不是从你心里面长出来的，爱只能从上帝而来”。

我是这样想的：我们平常口中所说的爱，或者爱的感觉，那可能是一种激情，我觉得那是从心里面长出来的，就是你好我好大家好的时候，很自然的一种喜欢、倾心。但是当你不好我也不好的时候，有了龌龊，有了纷争，有了柴米油盐锅碗瓢盆的碎碎念，初始的喜欢和爱的感觉会退后，因着对方各种优秀品格或者美好外貌而生发的爱会消失，你会说“我感觉不到爱了”——那时候，有一种真正的爱、包容的爱、承诺的爱、盟约的爱，就只能从上帝来了。

其实今天我也没有想出来什么不同寻常的事能表达我的爱，结果先生回家时说一起去看歌剧吧。我心里斗争了半天，我想说你带凯凯去吧，反正Merry也在那里，你们好几个一起，够了，我有很多事要做呢，很多录音没有编辑呢，歌剧那么长，多浪费时间……真心不想去，看着他乞求的眼神可怜巴巴，还是去了，只因为我知道他喜欢我陪着。

对他的爱，大多数时候是因为他太多的好品格，还有他的幽默可爱。但是当我想抽身逃离一大堆麻烦的时候，那会儿就是靠承诺了，靠着在上帝面前的承诺，我想这可不是闹着玩儿的。

如果我不能获得期望的回报，我又如何继续表达我的爱呢？这点我没办法得分。他从来都没有过停止爱我，或者停止表达他爱我，我就是不理他跟他生气的时候，他还爱我。哎，实在是上帝很爱我啊。

今天Helen赢得很轻松。我一天都很忙，根本没有空想到“炼爱”。

Helen呢，她与我一起去休斯顿大学看了歌剧《玛侬》！我爱歌剧，但是Helen不懂歌剧，她是怎么都不会自己去看的。所以，她同意与我一起去看，而且要在晚上六点离家，几乎半夜才回来，那绝对是因为对我特别好。

凯凯也和我们一起去了，我们在休大校园附近的一个餐厅和女儿Merry与她的同学Cecelia碰面。这是我们第一次见Cecelia，她看上去是个很不错的女孩。现在，是我这个做爸爸的抓住一切机会让女儿尴尬的时候了，我找到了大概十年前写的我第一次带着十岁的Merry去看歌剧的一篇文章，让Cecelia读（有兴趣的可以打开这个链接，但是有可能在中国看不到http://redneckperil.blogspot.com/2007/04/merry-meets-ada.html）。

我没有和Helen还有凯凯一起去看过歌剧，所以我想我应该给他们解释一些东西。我说：“看歌剧的时候呀，你是预先知道故事情节的。这场戏呢就是讲一个女孩做了很愚蠢的事情，最后她死了。”

凯凯说：“真的啊？这就是剧情？”

我说：“几乎所有歌剧情节都是这样的，有一个女孩，做了些坏事或蠢事，然后死了。”

他咧着嘴对我说：“我喜欢！”

Merry看看她的朋友，解释说：“他才11岁……”

凯凯坚决地改正：“12！”

“哦，真的啊？你12岁啦？”Merry情真意切地道歉，“我真抱歉，我以为你才11呢。”然后她又转向Cecelia说，“他才12岁，还是觉得女孩子很讨厌的年纪。”

开门后，我们找到位置坐下，我带着凯凯到最前面看演奏乐队坐的地方。然后歌剧就开始了，对于一群大学生来说，真是棒到令人惊讶。

但是歌剧时间很长，而我还没有完成炼爱的功课，没做任何特别的、不同寻常的事情呢。在第五和第六幕之间有五分钟换布景的时间，我们坐在那里休息，于是我决定，如果我不能做任何特别的事情，最起码我能做些特别傻的事情。结婚五年了，有件特别傻气的事我还没有为Helen做过。

我对Helen说：“我想我还没有摇过耳朵给你看。” “什么意思？”她问。

于是我就摇动起我的耳朵。

有些人是真的可以只摆动耳朵的。我不行，但是我可以让我的头皮前后滑动，然后呢就可以带动我的耳朵前后晃动。你不一定觉得有什么了不起，但是如果你以前没有见过的话，可能还是会惊讶。反正Helen是很惊奇。

“什么？！”她叫到。下一秒，她深呼吸，眼睛瞪得无比大，然后努力聚焦—明显是也想摇动她的耳朵。她一直问我是怎么做到的，我开始笑起来。

“做什么？”凯凯坐在Helen边上，他没有看到我第一次的动作。我又晃起耳朵。“好酷啊！”凯凯叫起来，然后身体前倾，大概也是全神贯注的表示，他开始扮各种鬼脸，看上去好像肚子严重不舒服。他的耳朵纹丝不动。于是我再也忍不住狂笑。

“你们在干嘛呢？”Merry坐在凯凯另一边，她一直在和Cecelia讲话（所以没看到我们的表演）。我身子往前靠，也将耳朵摇动给她看，但是这回尝试了很多次才成功，因为我没法边笑边动耳朵。 “哇！太怪了！”Merry叫起来，同时Cecelia却说她知道怎么动。然后她就开始试，不过开头也是笑不停。最后她终于成功了，Merry惊呆了。

Cecelia又开始和Merry解释怎么移动头皮。“可是怎么才能移动头部肌肉呢?”Merry问。她把手指放在头顶，看上去是在努力前后移动头皮。“究竟怎么才能知道控制头部的肌肉在哪里？”Helen插话。

Merry和Helen努力摆动耳朵的时候，凯凯问我，“Dad，你还有什么花招？”

我呵呵笑，“我在留胡子之前呢，可以用我的舌头碰到我的鼻子。但现在我的胡子挡道了。”我做给他看。

“你又在干嘛？”Helen现在注意到我们了。

“我在演示给凯凯看，我以前可以伸出舌头碰到鼻尖。不过现在有胡子，不行了。”我又说，“但是，我在初中的时候，可以伸出舌头碰到耳朵。”

Helen说不可能！而我以前跟凯凯玩过，他知道底细，对Helen说：“不，妈妈，等等，我会做！”在Helen的注意力还没有转移、凯凯还没有来得及泄密之前，我迅速地伸出舌头，用食指摸摸我的耳朵。

“啊！你！”Helen觉得又好气又好笑。我和凯凯都很高兴地笑起来。我再看看Merry，还在Cecelia的指导下费力地摆耳朵。我突然意识到，坐在我们旁边的人都在安静地等候下一幕开场。我越过Helen和凯凯对Cecelia说，“Cecelia,你瞧，我们真是个非常复杂世故的家庭，看看我们在看歌剧时的表现就知道了。

所以，不晓得Helen有没有因为我做了特别的事而感到被爱，不过，她还是被我所做的不寻常的傻事逗笑了。

问题一：过去你的爱是建立在伴侣的品格和言行之上，还是建立在你的承诺之上？

从根本上来说，我的爱是建立在我的承诺之上的，因为我就是这样被教育大的。

但是很少有机会让我得依靠我的承诺去爱她，因为绝大多数时候她的言行举止都是那么可爱，我不知道有谁会不爱她。而当她行为不可爱的时候，我理解那都是因为我或者我的孩子们引起的问题让她心情沮丧了……所以看起来更多是我的问题，不是她的问题。

问题二：如果你不能获得期望的回报，你又如何继续表达你的爱？

我就温和地，一遍遍地告诉她我爱她，深情地抚慰她，如果是我的错，我就不停道歉，保持耐心。

Helen won this day easily. I had a ton of work and hit the end of the day without having had a chance to think about the Love Dare. And Helen? Why, she went to the opera Manon with me, at the University of Houston. I love the opera, while she doesn’t know much about it and would never have gone on her own. So this was very definitely a case of her being nice to me, especially since it meant leaving the house at6:00 and not getting back until almost midnight.

Kai went with us as well, and we met Merry and her friend Cecelia at a restaurant near the University of Houston campus. It was our first time to meet Cecelia, who seems like a very nice young lady. Now, it is a father’s duty to embarrass his daughter whenever possible. So I called up the article I wrote almost ten years ago, when ten-year-old Merry went to her very first opera with me, and I let Cecelia read it. (http://redneckperil.blogspot.com/2007/04/merry-meets-ada.html, but probably blocked in China.)

Since Kai and Helen had never been to an opera, I thought I had better explain some things to them. In particular, I told them, “When you go to an opera, you’re expected to already know the story. So, here’s what happens in this opera: the main girl does some really stupid things and in the end she dies.”

Kai said something like, “Really, that’s the plot?”

“That’s pretty much the plot of ALL grand opera,” I told him. “There’s a girl, she does something bad or stupid, she dies.”

He grinned from ear to ear. “I LIKE it,” he told me. Merry looked at Cecelia and explained, “He’s still just eleven…”

“Twelve!” Kai corrected her firmly.

“Oh, really, you’re twelve?” She apologized affectionately, “I’m sorry, I thought you were still eleven.” She turned back to Cecelia. “He’s still just twelve, and he still thinks girls are gross.”

They opened the doors, and we went in and found our seats, and I took Kai down and showed him the orchestra pit. Then the opera started, and it was very well done indeed — astonishingly well for a group of college students.

But operas last a long time, and I still had not done anything unusual or special for the Love Dare. As we sat in our seats during the five-minute scenery change between the fifth and sixth scenes, I decided that if I couldn’t do anything unusually special, I could at least do something unusually silly. And there was one thing I had never done for Helen in five whole years of marriage.

“I don’t think I’ve ever wiggled my ears for you,” I said to Helen.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

So I wriggled my ears.

Some people can actually make just their ears waggle. I can’t do that, but I can slide my whole scalp backward and forward on my skull, which makes my ears move back and forth. I don’t know that it’s what you would call impressive, but if you’ve never seen it before it’s at least surprising. Helen was definitely surprised.

“WHAT??” she squeaked. The next moment, she took a deep breath, widened her eyes as far as they would open, and then actually crossed them in concentration — clearly trying to make her ears move. I started laughing as she demanded, “How did you do that?”

“What are you guys doing?” asked Merry, on the other side of Kai. She had been talking to Cecelia. I leaned forward and showed her, though it took me several tries since I can’t wriggle my ears and laugh at the same time. “Whoa, that’s WEIRD!” exclaimed Merry, and at the same time Cecelia said, “Oh, I know how to do that!” She tried to demonstrate, but couldn’t stop laughing at first. Finally, she managed it, to Merry’s awe.

Cecelia began explaining to Merry that you just have to move your scalp muscle. “But how do you move your scalp muscle?” asked Merry, putting her fingertips on top of the head and apparently trying to push her scalp back and forth. “How do you even know which muscle IS your scalp muscle?” chimed in Helen.

“Do what?” asked Kai, who was sitting next to her and hadn’t seen me the first time. I wriggled my ears again. “COOL!” exclaimed Kai, and immediately leaned forward, assumed an attitude of intense concentration, and began grimacing as if he were having severe digestive difficulties. His ears didn’t budge. By now I was helpless with laughter.

As Merry and Helen continued to try to move their ears, Kai asked me, “Dad, what other tricks can you do?”

I chuckled. “Before I had a mustache, I could stick out my tongue and touch the end of my nose,” I told him. “I can’t do it now, though, because my mustache pushes my tongue out too far from my face.” I showed him.

By now Helen was paying attention to us. “What are you DOING?”

“I was just showing Kai how I used to be able to stick out my tongue and touch the tip of my nose,” I told her. “Can’t do it now because of my mustache, but I used to be able to. In fact,” I added, “when I was in junior high, I could stick out my tongue and touch my ear.”

“No way!” she said. Kai, who knew the trick because I had played it on him before, started to say, “No, Mom, wait, I know how!” So, quickly, before he could get her attention and give it away, I stuck my tongue straight out — and reached up with my index finger and touched my ear with it.

“Oh, you!” Helen snorted, half annoyed at being tricked and half laughing. Kai and I were giggling delightedly. I looked over and Merry was still, with Cecelia’s diligent tutoring, trying to wriggle her ears. It struck me that all the other people sitting around us were very sedately waiting for the next scene to start, while my entire family were wriggling their ears and making faces and sticking out their tongues. I leaned across Helen and Kai to get Cecelia’s attention.

“Cecelia,” I said with a straight face, “we are a VERY sophisticated family — as you can see from how we behave when we go to the opera.”

So, I don’t know whether I made Helen feel like I loved her by doing something unusually special. But I at least managed to make her laugh by doing something unusually silly.

QUESTION 1: Has your love in the past been based on your spouse’s attributes and behavior, or on your own commitment?

Fundamentally it’s based on my commitment, because that’s how I was raised. But only rarely do I have to fall back on commitment, as most of the time her attributes and behavior are so delightful I can’t see how anybody could NOT love her. And when her behavior isn’t lovable, most of the time I can understand that she’s depressed or unhappy because of MY behavior, or because of problems my kids are causing…and that seems like it’s more my fault than hers.

QUESTION 2: How can you continue to show love when it’s not returned in a way you hoped for?