有声 | 《炼爱》第32天—性，不是讨价还价的筹码，它是上帝的美妙设计

2015.11.14

先生说，今天这个作业不可以公开。好吧，以中国人的保守传统，能够把这一章念下来，我已经冒汗了。

但是呢，还是得感慨一下，圣经其实真是事无巨细，面面俱到呀。

以前还不是基督徒的时候，有一些孩子妈妈跟我说，圣经是一本育儿大全，我还嗤之以鼻，心想真是迷信得可以。

然而信主十年了，真是越来越了解到了圣经的宝贵，无论世事如何变迁，它都可以一直被当作人生指南。

若是能一生走在其中不偏离，在上帝的眼里我们就成功了。而这个成功，是具有永恒意义的。

书上说：“所有的爱的挑战所需要的，如忍耐、仁慈、无私、保护、尊重、饶恕，在改善你们之间性的亲密关系中都属于重要的角色。”我也特别同意，还觉得青少年特别需要这样正面的辅导，并且要在他们从各种网站和杂志电影中得到曲解甚至变态的灌输之前。

在如今这个是非曲直特别混乱的世代，这些正面的教导是何其重要啊。

如果你将一帮太太聚在一起，先生都不在身边的时候，问她们：“你们觉得男人最需要的是什么？”如果她们彼此都很熟，可以相互坦诚的话，她们可能会说：“性！”

但，其实并非如此。有一样东西，对绝大多数男人来说比性还要重要，那就是——尊重。

大多数的中国妻子都不是基督徒，没有读过圣经中的《以弗所书》，但就算是基督徒的妻子们第一次读到《以弗所书》5章33节的时候也会觉得惊讶。

在其中，保罗讲到：“你们各人都当爱妻子，如同爱自己一样。妻子也当敬重他的丈夫。” 让你惊讶，是因为你以为保罗给的意见会是：“丈夫应该爱妻子，妻子也应该爱丈夫。” 然而我想，保罗知道自己在讲什么。

很明显绝大多数丈夫想要被爱，也要被尊重。但是让我们在这里做一个假想：

1）想象你熟知的那些男人，假设他们的妻子已经不再爱丈夫了，但还是对他们有高度的评价。

2）现在，再重新想象，那些妻子们还爱着她们的丈夫，可同时觉得丈夫很愚蠢，不能信任他们做任何决定。

两种情况下，男人都会不开心的。但是，我想大多数男人宁愿忍受“不被爱，可是被尊重”，而不要“被爱，可是不被尊重”。

当然，对大多女人来说，要长时间爱一个她不尊重的男人是很困难的，但你还是可以做那个假象试验。它可以帮助妻子们理解到：她们不可以生起气来就指责、羞辱丈夫或者表现出对丈夫的轻视，哪怕只是一时的，这点非常重要。

我以前在教主日学的时候讲到过这一点，我常常听到妻子们的反驳就是：“但是，如果丈夫的行为根本不值得尊重呢？如果他真的是很愚蠢呢？叫我怎么尊重得起来呢？”

我就尽量温和地将她们带回到《以弗所书》5章33节的内容。你看，我认识的绝大多数女人都能意识到有些时候她们的表现并不可爱，但是她们还是希望丈夫能够同样爱她们。每一个女性基督徒说到“爱应该无条件”的时候都没有任何问题，她们也希望自己得到的爱是无条件的，不只是当她们可爱的时候才得到爱。女士们……你们的丈夫也想得到你们无条件的尊重呀，就和你们想得到无条件的爱一样。你们的丈夫绝对不会总是值得被尊重的。你们（Helen当然除外。哈哈，译者不得不笑）也不总是值得被爱。

但智慧的丈夫在妻子不值得被爱的时候还是要爱她，因为呢，从长远角度看，如果一个女人觉得自己总处在试用期，丈夫随时随地都有可能因为人的天生不完美而不再爱她，那么他们的婚姻肯定不会快乐。

箴言14章1节说：智慧妇人建立家室，愚妄妇人亲手拆毁。这个亲手拆毁的动作，常常就是“在丈夫值得被尊重的时候才尊重他”。

If you get a group of wives together without any men around and ask them, “What is it that men need most?” usually (if they know each other well enough to be honest) they will probably say, “Sex!” But that actually is not true. There is something that the overwhelming majority of men actually need more than they need sex, and that is…

Respect.

Obviously, most Chinese wives are not Christians and have not read Ephesians; but even Christian wives are usually surprised the first time they read Ephesians 5:33, in which Paul says, “Each one of you husbands must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” This is a bit surprising because you expect the advice to be, “Husbands should love their wives and wives should love their husbands back.” But Paul knew what he was talking about, I think.

Obviously, most husbands want to be both loved and respected. But here’s a thought experiment. Imagine most men you know well, and I pretend that their wives are no longer in love with them but have a high opinion of them. Now re-imagine it, but this time their wives are still in love with them but they think their husbandsare pretty stupid and can’t be trusted to make any decisions. In neither case would the men be happy…but I think most men would be able to tolerate being respected without being loved better than they could tolerate being loved without being respected.

Of course, it is very difficult for most women to stay in love very long with a man they don’t respect; but you can still do the thought experiment. And it lets wives understand how important it is not to let themselves get angry and start berating or insulting or showing contempt for their husbands, even temporarily.

Now I have said this in teaching Sunday School classes before, and the objection I usually get from the wives is, “But what if his behavior does not deserve respect? What if he IS kind of stupid? How am I supposed to respect him then?”

I answer them as gently as I can by pointing them back at Ephesians 5:33. You see, pretty much every woman I know realizes that sometimes she behaves in a way that is not very lovable, but she wants her husband to love her anyway. And EVERY Christian woman has no trouble saying that love is supposed to be unconditional, and she wants to be loved unconditionally, not just when her behavior is lovable. Well, ladies…your husbands need your unconditional respect as much as you need their unconditional love. Of course, your husband doesn’t always deserve to be respected. You (Helen excepted, of course) don’t always deserve to be loved.

But a wise husband loves his wife even when she doesn’t deserve it because in the long term no man is going to have a happy marriage if his wife knows that she is always on probation and that she can lose his love at any moment just by being human and less than perfect. And “a wise woman builds up her house, but with her own hands the foolish woman tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1) — very often by respecting her husband only when he deserves respect.