有声 | 《炼爱》第13天—我们家不吵架的秘密武器

2015.10.26

这个功课中，我觉得有必要对争吵规则做些解释。而且，我觉得“公平地争吵”对一个健康的婚姻来说非常非常重要。

当别人问起我的父母他们是如何保持五十年的快乐婚姻、而且又是怎样做到如今比刚结婚那会儿还要快乐的，这一点总是他们第一个提及的。

所以我想，值得花点时间说说。

我将讨论、争论、辩论三者区分开，这是我自己的看法，我需要解释一下。但是，让我先给你一个虚构场景，结尾处我会问你一个问题，你要告诉你自己最先跳入脑海的答案。

如果你和我对某事有不同看法，我们都觉得自己是对的。我们讲啊讲，讲了几个小时，最后，我不得不承认，你所有的观点都是正确的，而我，则完全错误。

现在，我的问题是：谁赢了？

对绝大多数人来说，我们的自然反应肯定是你赢了，我输了。我就想证明我是对的，但是我失败了，对吧？你就是想证明你是对的，你赢了，对吗？很明显你赢了，很明显我输了，我好丢脸。

现在我再问你几个问题。我们两个当中，是谁从我们的对话中学到了东西？谁比几个小时前更好些了呢？谁从几个小时中得益处了？那，不是……我吗？那样不就使我……成为一个赢家了吗？

你瞧，答案取决于我们想要得到什么。

如果我们两人都只是想证明自己比另外一个聪明，或者想用自己的方式做事，那么，当然就是你赢了，我输了。在我看来，这就意味着我们之前是在辩论：辩论就是一场竞赛，要么就是要按自己的方式行事，要么就是想证明自己更聪明。

或者，也有可能，我们都想证明另外一个行为很差劲，是个混蛋，需要道歉。那么，如果我最后卑躬屈膝承认全是我的错，你什么都没做错，我就又成了个失败者，你又赢了。这就意味着，我们之前是在争论：争论也是场竞赛，每一方都要证明对方是混蛋，需要被惩罚，被讨厌，而且一定得道歉。

但是，还有一个可能是：我们在努力想搞明白什么是正确的，想找一个解决方法让我们两个都满意。这样的话，如果你可以帮助我弄懂什么才是对的，你指明给我看解决问题的好办法，那我们两个之中就没有输家，我们都是赢家。不过，如果这是一场看谁能学到更多的比赛，那我要比你赢得更多。这，就是讨论：讨论是一场对话，在其中，两人一起努力弄清什么是对的或到底该要怎么做。

注意一个重点：辩论、争论、讨论都有一个名义上的主题，换言之，它们看上去都是关于什么事情——但，只有讨论是真的关于一个主题。打个比方，要讨论的是：丈夫连续三天加班，妻子必须在没有任何帮助的情况下搞定孩子们和所有家务。于是，妻子呢，就开始说起她希望丈夫早点回家的事儿。

如果是争论，可能就会是这样的：

太太：你连续三天把我和孩子抛在家里啦！你怎么能这样！你有没有一点点关心我们啊？

先生：（眼珠转动）哦，看在上帝的份上，你真的一定要在我鞋子都没脱掉之前跟我闹吗？我为养家糊口累了一整天，就得到这样的感激？

你可以看到，这个对话表面是关于先生工作到太晚，而实际上是要指责人：“你就是个混蛋！”“不，我不是，你才是！”

而如果是像下面这样就是辩论：

太太：我不明白，你怎么就不能在合理的时间赶到家呢？

先生：哦，你要知道，到年底了，要交财务报表了。你知道今年是很特别的一年，公司有合并，更别提又有股票回购和债务重组，你不会建议我不经过完整的内部审计就把这些报表交上去吧？

太太：哦，那肯定总能找到办法，不至于总要夜里加班的。

先生：你有什么好的具体方法吗？我们公司在全世界可是有122个分公司呢……

太太：呃……

先生：或者，你要我不事先确认就在那些财务报告上签字？你知道我是CEO吧，如果我就这么签字了，出了什么差错我可是要进监狱的，对吧？还是这些你都忘了？

太太：当然我不要你进监狱。

先生：那么我想你最好信任我知道我的工作要求，你让我来判断怎么适宜就怎么做就行了。

在这里，你也能看到，话题表面上是“为何我不能早点回来”，实际上是“我比你聪明得多，你就闭嘴吧”。

换句话说，“讨论”是真的关于他们想要说的话题，而争论和辩论则是关于其它问题了，实际是关于人，而不是问题本身。

考虑到以上我说的这些，下面是我今天做的功课，Helen也同意的：

规则1：如果对方有时没有遵守规则，不要生气。规则是帮助对方不去生不必要的气，不是让你自己生气的借口。

规则2：一次只能有一个人生气；如果对方先发怒了，那就表明这次轮到他/她了，你不能跟着发怒。

我想这是避免怒火在你们的关系中造成严重伤害的最重要的关键一点。我的孩子一直听我这样跟他们说。但是我发现我刚开始讲这一条时，很少有人能明白。

当一个人生气的时候，你立即就会知道你在争论中了——如果你也生气，你就觉得对方是混蛋，你想用伤害的方式去惩罚他/她。在愤怒的情绪中，你就是想要别人痛苦。

但是当你回过头去仔细看看那些对你们的关系造成巨大伤害的争吵，你会惊讶地得到一个结论：绝大多数时候（当然不是所有时候），如果只有一个人生气，不会对你们的关系有太大伤害。但是，如果另一个人用愤怒反击，那么很糟糕的事情就要发生了。

正如箴言15：1所说：

回 答 柔 和 ， 使 怒 消 退 ；言 语暴 戾 ， 触 动 怒 气 。

当然，要是有人故意要伤害我们，我们会生气。

当我们做了糟糕的事，他们明明有权利对我们发火的时候，我们也会生气。

而如果我们觉得根本没做错的时候（常常是这样），别人生我们的气，我们就会更加生气。

当别人伤害我们，我们就是想还击。我们带着自己的怒火马上反击，仿佛这可以让事情变得更好。

发怒的人，通常来说，都是愚蠢的人。即便你是很聪明的人，一旦你发怒，你的大脑被大量化学物质冲击，你的智商瞬间就会下降30到40点。

你没注意到吗，发怒的人看起来相信，只要他去伤害那个让他生气的人，他就会让那个人有道歉的意愿。然后，他们就震惊了，真的震惊了，当那个本该道歉的人却表现得比先前还要差，而且竟然也生起气来——这就让发怒的这个人比之前更加怒火中烧。

当你们都陷入那个模式，接下来不愉快的场面就没边没界了。

这就是为什么，就算两人平常都是好人，也都很关心对方，但却不大会控制脾气，他们也能对关系造成巨大伤害。

所以你该这么做：

假设你的伴侣对你生气，发火，没有控制他的脾气。他不一定会说出来：“我现在对你很生气，我想伤害你！”但他会开始指责你一些事情做得不好——至少用他的语气语调和他的肢体语言，如果没有明说的话。

你打算要为自己辩护。这时，你要告诉自己：“等等，现在已经变成争吵了。现在不管他指责我什么事情都不重要，因为争吵是关于人，不是关于表面存在的问题。我们稍后再解决问题，现在我必须保护我们的关系。这个人是我所爱的，尽管他现在让我生气。”

你看到吗？一旦发起脾气，你的伴侣就将对话改变了方向，现在是和你们的关系有关，而不是关于他先前想和你争执的任何问题了。所以，你要立即反应过来，现在你在“关系模式”，而保护你们的关系是你赢得争吵的唯一途径。

如果是你错，你可以说：“我刚才错了，我不怪你生气，我不该那样做……”一个诚心的道歉可以产生奇迹—如果道歉是真诚的！

（有一个诚心道歉的版本对于男人来说绝对有用，但是因为这是弟兄们之间的秘密，我要是给女士知道了就是背叛，我在这里就不说了。弟兄们要想知道的话，可以给我私人邮件[email protected] 你可以写中文，这样我用中文给你回信你就可以大笑一通，因为我是不会请Helen翻译的。）

如果你不觉得你做错了什么，那就不用道歉。但你依旧必须保护关系，你可以用这些经文帮助你：

箴言15:1——回答柔和，使怒消退。

箴言29:8——亵慢人煽惑通城；智慧人止息众怒。

传道书7:9——你不要心里急躁恼怒，因为恼怒存在愚昧人的怀中。

传道书10:4——柔和能免大过。

哥林多前书13:5 ——爱不轻易发怒。

雅各书1:19-20——你们各人要快快地听，慢慢地说，慢慢地动怒，因为人的怒气并不成就神的义。

你要用柔和应对怒气。

当然，他们很可能不讲道理，发怒的人就是不讲道理的。当

当然，他们很可能说一些明显错误的不公平的话，发怒的人本来就是愚蠢的。

但是，我们时不时都会生气。那么，让今天成为他生气的日子，成为你柔和的日子。很快，就会轮到你生气的日子，那时候，如果对方能柔和对待你的怒气，那对你们都有好处。

这不是说你们就不讨论原先的问题了。只是现在不讨论，因为在伴侣生气的时候根本就无法讨论，生气的人只会争论。

最后，你们的温顺柔和、他们的好品格、还有足够能让他们安静下来的时间都将终止争论。然后，你们再回头去讨论解决问题。但只要他们发怒了，你们就得用柔和对待怒气，别去反驳他们的指责。

一次只能有一个人生气——定下这样规矩的家庭，比较不容易破裂。

规则3：如果你知道你生气了，就说出来，说抱歉，然后出去走走或者做其它的事让自己冷静下来，然后再回来，继续讨论。

还有，这主要是对女人们说的，如果你们的先生说他生气了，需要出去走走，那就让他们去走走！！！！

你不知道有多少女人在他们的先生这样说的时候，她们回答：“不可能，你休想一走了之！我们必须把事情清楚，就是现在！”

那样的女人，我要说，去默想箴言14:1，直到你清醒些：“智慧妇人建立家室；愚妄妇人亲手拆毁。”

当然，先生们，如果你们没有出去走走之后就回来继续讨论问题，那就是扯谎了。

规则4：如果你实在气得不行了，你就说：“瞧，我现在真的是非常生气，我要去发泄一下，我先道歉。”

只有当对方愿意遵守规则2的时候，你这么做才有用。然后，你平静下来以后要再次道歉。

规则5：搞清楚你在对谁生气，不要朝其他人发泄怒气。

比如说，你的混蛋老板让你有了坏情绪，你要么在回家时把情绪放一边，要么跟家人说清楚发生什么事了，告诉他们你会尽力不朝他们发泄——对我而言，如果我这样大声跟家人宣告过，一般我就不会朝他们发怨气了。

规则6：解决问题模式VS安慰模式。

我在主日学曾经系统讲过这个，在这里就不一下子全砸给你们了。也许Helen某天可以看看我在主日学讲课的录像，然后整理成一篇文章。我列几个简单的：

6.a. 特别对男人来说，搞清楚你何时在“解决问题模式”，何时又在进行“确认关系的对话”。当你的太太只是在寻求安慰，你就不要给出建议。这个大概不是关于如何争论的规则了，而是帮助丈夫们避免在莫名其妙、毫不知情的状况下被卷入战争的规则。

6.b.特别对女人来说，如果你需要安慰，预先给你摸不着头脑的丈夫一点点提示，比如“我这不是在寻求意见，我只是要和在乎的人说说话”。如果你真想要些意见，就告诉他：“我需要你的意见帮助我解决问题。”如果事先不说明你需要什么，那么你丈夫却给了你意见，而不是表明站在你这一边，你不能生他的气。大多数男人（必须记住，我们不是那么聪明的）在你开始谈论一个问题的时候，总会以为你们应该是要寻求帮助解决问题，然后就开始给你建议了。

规则7：思维模式要正确。

7.a. 要解决问题，不要尽责怪。

7.b. 要有成长的思维模式，而不是一种既定的思维模式。

我们生而具有的才能，我们到现在为止已经成就了什么，这些都不能定义我们是谁，它们只是说明我们目前到达了哪里。（有一本很棒的书叫《Mindset》，作者是Carol S.Dweck,对思维模式展开了详细的讨论，我强烈推荐，不过不知道有没有翻译成中文。）

7.c. 关注未来，不是过去。

你可以讨论过去做错的事情，但是目的只是从中吸取教训，让未来变得更好。

7.d. 对事不对人。讨论事情，而不争论，不辩论。

不要将你自己的感觉和他人的意向混为一谈。“我觉得你在工作的时候从来都想不到我”，这样是可以的。“你工作一整天压根就没想到我，所以别骗我说你多爱我，你根本就不在乎我！！！”这就不是一个聪明人讲的话。

规则8：不要将问题夸大，避免说“从来没有、永远、总是、一直”这样的话。

如果对方不小心说了这些词，也不要马上指出一两件你没做过的事去驳斥对方说的“一直总是做什么”。

规则9：一次只解决一个问题。

要知道一开始你们很可能对双方到底在争执什么都有不同意见。如果有必要的话，轮流选择这次应该解决什么问题。

规则10：不要语出伤人。

“当你忘记我的生日，我很难体会到你爱我”，这样说就很好。

“如果你真的爱我，你就不会忘记我的生日”，这样不太公平。

“像你这样的老公，起码要能记住我的生日吧！”听起来简直像要离婚的理由了。

规则11：对于真的很让你生气的事情，不要拿来开玩笑。

规则12：这条的重要性仅次于规则2。

除非你们是圣人，夫妻二人总会有争吵，有破坏规矩的时候，要提醒自己，也要互相提醒：“我宁愿和你过日子，哪怕有些争吵，也好过和另外的人一起从来不吵架。”(最起码对我来说真是这样的。)

如果你的伴侣是值得你为之奋斗的，那也值得你偶尔与之战斗。

永远不吵架的幸福婚姻也许只有百万或千万分之一吧。一般几十年的婚姻中总归会有几次争吵，那么就努力按照规则来吵，这要比“绝望到懒得吵”健康。

Rule #1. Don’t get angry if the other person sometimes doesn’t follow the rules. The rules are a way to keep from making the other person angry unnecessarily, not an excuse to get angry yourself.

Rule #2. Only one person gets mad at a time; if the other person gets mad first that just means that this time it’s their turn to be the one who gets to be mad.

I think this is the single biggest key to keeping anger from causing real damage in your relationship. My kids have heard me say it all their lives. But I find that very few people understand what I mean the first time I say it.

The moment somebody gets angry, you immediately know that you are now in the middle of an argument – if you are angry, then you believe that somebody else has been a jerk, and you want to punish them for it by hurting them. Anger is the mood in which you want to cause pain.

But I think if you look back over your life and you look carefully at the arguments that have really done damage to your relationships in the past, you’ll come to a surprising conclusion. Most of the time (not all of the time, of course, but most of the time), relationships don’t suffer much when one person gets mad. But if the other person gets angry back, then really bad things tend to happen. It’s just as Proverbs 15:1 says: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

The problem, of course, is that when somebody tries to hurt us, that makes us angry. That’s usually true even when we have acted badly and they have every right to be angry; how much more true it is when (as is usually the case) we don’t think we’ve done anything wrong! When they hurt us, we want to hurt them back. And so we fire back with anger of our own…as if that were somehow going to make things better.

Angry people, generally speaking, are stupid people. Even if you’re very intelligent most of the time, the moment you get angry your brain gets all kinds of chemicals flooding through it and your IQ drops an instant thirty or forty points. Have you noticed that angry people seem to believe that if they hurt the person they are angry with, that will make the other person WANT to apologize? Then they are shocked,shocked, when instead of getting the apology they are sure they deserve, the other person behaves even more badly than before, by getting angry themselves when they ought to be apologizing – and that makes the person who was mad to start with even madder than he was before. And once you are both in that mode, there is simply no limit to how nasty things can get. That is how real damage gets done to a relationship even when both people are normally nice people and they genuinely care about each other…but neither one is good at controlling his temper.

So what you have to do is this:

Let’s say your spouse gets angry with you, and instead of controlling his anger, he loses his temper. He is probably not going to say, “I’m angry with you and I feel like hurting you!” Instead he is going to accuse you of something – with his tone of voice and his body language, at least, even if not with his actual words – and you are going to want to defend yourself against the accusation. Here is where you have to tell yourself, “Wait – this just turned into an argument. So the thing he’s accusing me of DOES NOT MATTER right now because arguments are about the people, not the pretended problem. We will solve the problem later; right now I have to protect the relationship – because this is about the people, and this person is someone I love even when they are making me angry.”

You see? By losing his temper, your spouse has just redirected the conversation so that it is now about the relationship and is no longer about whatever it is he wants to fight about. So YOU have to immediately realize that you are now in relationship mode – and the only way to win an argument, is to protect the relationship. If you actually were in the wrong, then obviously you can say, “You know what, I was wrong, and I don’t blame you for being angry. I shouldn’t have done that…” A heartfelt apology can do wonders – if it is sincere! (There is a special version of the heartfelt and sincere apology that is indispensably useful for men, but as it is a trade secret of the brotherhood of men and it would be traitorous of me to let the ladies in on the secret, I will have to forego spelling it out here. If any brothers want to ask me about it I’ll tell them privately in e-mail, [email protected]. You can write in Chinese if you want, and then you will get to laugh at my attempts to write back in 普通话– since I won’t be able to have Helen translate for me.)

But if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, then an apology is not the right way to go. In that case, you have to protect the relationship – and that means that you apply Proverbs 15:1 (“A gentle answer turns away wrath”) and Proverbs 29:8 (“Mockers stir up a city, but the wise turn away anger”) and Ecclesiastes 7:9 (“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools”) and Ecclesiastes 10:4 (“Calmness can lay great offenses to rest”) and 1 Corinthians 13:5 (“Love is not easily angered”) and James 1:19-20 (“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires”). You meet anger with gentleness. Sure, they probably are being unreasonable; angry people are unreasonable. Sure, they probably are saying something obviously wrong and unjust; angry people are stupid. But we all get angry now and then. Today it is their turn to be angry; that makes it your turn to be gentle. Your turn at being angry will come soon enough, and then it will be well for you and for them if they in their turn meet your anger with their gentleness.

This is not to say that you don’t address the original problem. You just don’t address the problem NOW, because right now you can’t have a discussion because your spouse is angry, and angry people only have arguments. Eventually your gentleness, and their good character, and the passage of enough time for them to calm down, will put an end to the argument. And THEN you can go back to the discussion and solve the problem. But as long as they are angry, you have to focus on meeting the anger with gentleness, not refuting their accusations.

Only one person gets to be angry at a time. The family that lives by that rule will not easily be broken.

Rule #3. If you know you’re mad, say so, apologize, and go for a walk or something to cool off, and then come back and finish the discussion. (And — this is mostly for women — if your husband says he is angry and needs to take a walk then for heaven’s sake LET HIM GO!!!!! You would not believe how many women there are who, when their husband says that, they say, “No way, don’t you walk out on me! We have to talk this out RIGHT NOW!” To any such woman I say, go meditate on Proverbs 14:1 until you know better: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” But of course, you husbands, if you don’t actually come back and finish the discussion then that’s cheating.)

Rule #4. If you are so angry you can’t stand it then at least say, “Look, I’m really furious right now and I’m just going to have to vent, and I apologize in advance.” (You can only really get away with this if the other person is committed to following Rule #2, though.) And then be sure to apologize again later after you’ve calmed down.

Rule #5. Know whom you’re mad at and don’t take it out on the wrong people. (For example: if your boss has been a real jerk and you’re in a bad mood then either set it aside before you get home, or else tell your family what happened and tell them you’ll do your best not to take it out on them — in my case, just telling them that out loud usually will make me NOT take it out on them the rest of the night.)

Rule #6. Problem-solving mode versus comfort mode…I spent most of an entire Sunday-School class on this once, but won’t inflict the whole thing on you right now. Maybe Helen can watch the video of theSunday School class and turn it into one of her articles someday. Here I’ll just give the short rules:

6.a. (Especially for men) Know when you’re in a solve-the-problem conversation and when you’re in an affirm-the-relationship conversation, and don’t give advice when your wife is looking for comfort. (This isn’t so much a rule for how to fight as it is a rule for husbands for how to not suddenly find yourself in the middle of a fight without knowing how you got there.)

6.b. (Especially for women) If you need comfort, give your clueless husband some help by saying up front, “I’m not looking for advice here, I just need to talk to somebody who cares.” If you actually need advice, give your clueless husband some help by saying up front, “I need some help from you in solving a problem.” If you don’t SAY what you need, then you ought not get angry if he gives you advice instead of “taking your side,” as most men (we are not that smart, you must remember) naturally assume that if you start a conversation about a problem then you presumably want advice on how to solve your problem, which advice they will then helpfully proceed to give.

Rule #7. Get the mindset right.

7.a. Have a solution mindset, not a blame mindset.

7.b. Have a growth/destination mindset, not a fixed/essence mindset. What talents we were born with, and what we have done up until now, do not define WHO we are; they only define WHERE we are. (There is an excellent book Mindset, by Carol S. Dweck, that explores this topic; I highly recommend it, though I’m afraid I don’t know whether it’s been translated into Chinese or not.)

7.c. Focus on the future, not the past. You can talk about the things done wrong in the past, but only in order to learn from them so that the future can be better.

7.d. Talk about the problem, not about the person — that is, have discussions, not debates and arguments. In particular, don’t confuse your own feelings with the other person’s intent — “I never feel like you think about me while you’re at work,” is fine. “You go the whole day at work without ever thinking about me at all not even once SO DON’T LIE TO ME ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME WHEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL!!!!” is not the utterance of a wise person.

Rule #8. Don’t exaggerate the problem — avoid “ever” and “never” and “always.” (And if the other person slips up and says “ever” or “never” or “always,” don’t take the cheap win by pointing out one or two cases where you didn’t do what you’re accused of “always” doing.)

Rule #9. Work one problem at a time, understanding that at the beginning you may not even agree on what it is that you disagree about. Take turns choosing the problem if you have to.

Rule #10. No verbal abuse or nasty verbal tricks. “When you forget my birthday, it’s hard for me to feel like you care about me” is excellent. “If you REALLY loved me, you wouldn’t forget my birthday,” is not at all playing fair. “Even a husband like YOU ought to be able to remember my BIRTHDAY, at LEAST” comes near to being grounds for divorce. (These examples probably won’t translate properly into Chinese because the verbal constructions that communicate subtextual presuppositions tend to vary wildly from one linguistic culture to another. Sorry about that.)

Rule #11. No “teasing” or “joking” about things that really do annoy you.

Finally, Rule #12, which is the most important one other than Rule #2. Every now and then, unless you and your spouse are both canonizable saints, you will have a fight where you both wind up breaking the Rules. When that happens, then once you’ve made it up, be sure to remind yourself and each other (assuming it’s true, which it is in my case at least), “I’d rather spend my life with you and have a fight every now and then, than live with anybody else and never have any arguments.” If your spouse is worth fighting FOR, then they are (occasionally) worth fighting WITH.