今日挑战：将不切实际的毒素从你家中清除出去。想想你的伴侣曾说你在哪方面过于苛求，然后为自己的苛求道歉，向他/她保证，你会学着去体谅，并向他/她保证你的爱是无条件的。
2015.11.9
先生从来没有说过我对他有什么苛求。我也确实没有。在我看来，他最大的毛病就是丢三落四，那个我是没有期望他能改变的，我只有体谅，并经常提醒、帮助。需要记住的付账单的日期呀，医生的约诊呀，这些都是我在本子上记下来，又在手机里设提醒，双重保证。
从前也提起过婚姻辅导老师冯志梅讲过的故事：她的老公把请客的日子搞错，应该下一个星期五，他记成了这一个星期五，结果害她准备一个星期，又是打扫屋子，又是倾力烹饪，又是装扮自己，最后一桌子菜却没等来一个客人……她忍下怒气，对着老公甜甜地说了一句：“亲爱的，你真可爱。”就这样避免了一场战争。我清楚记得那是一个冬日的早晨，我在上海的屋子里一边扫地一边听网上的录音讲座，扫到阳台那里，已经是第二次听到这段了，还是忍不住哈哈笑，想到我刚刚嫁给了一个糊涂先生，未来的日子我绝对要用到这一招，铭记在心。
我果真用了无数次。而且，很多次，我说了“你好可爱”之后，他还是摇着头生自己的气，我就还会跟他说：“没事的，我还是爱你的。” 现在看来，我表达的不正是无条件的爱嘛 ：-）
不过，还是有一点毒素要清除，有一个不切实际的期望要丢弃。我今天跟他说，以后真的不用记我的农历生日了。
先生：Kenny，60后，美国人，咨询公司主管
问题是Helen对自己的要求比我对她的要求高得多，所以她从来都没有说过我期望太高。
我之前分享过一点关于Helen嫁给我之后要承担的很多重担。我不觉得我们的问题是我对她有什么苛求，问题是，从某种程度上来说，她必须与我共同承受的责任和担子远远超出她所应当承受的。
我有时发现自己在埋怨上帝，觉得祂对Helen的要求太高了，我也在想办法尽量减轻她的负担。
我想，我们这个家庭的需求，使得她在生命的许多方面都要有所成长才能去满足，我认为她已大大超过所有合理预期。
我要加一点的是，当Helen对我的某个决定感到失望时，她通常也会讲到我已经有多少责任要担，（在她看来）我已经做得很好，她很钦佩我。所以，我不觉得她在任何方面对我有苛求，我也想不到有哪方面要请她对我不要苛求的。
所以，我想我们今天的作业应该要改成这样：Helen，我挑战你，想想看哪方面让你觉得你没有到达上帝的期望？然后跟祂说抱歉，说你不该那样苛求自己。
OK, the problem here is that Helen’s demands for herself are greater than mine, and therefore she never tells me I’m expecting “too much.”
I have shared before a little bit of how heavy are the burdens that Helen accepted by marrying me. I don’t think our problem is that I expect too much out of her — it’s that our responsibilities, and the burdens that I bear and that she can’t help but share to some degree — require more than I think she ought to be expected to do. I think it happens more often that I find myself complaining to God that HE is asking too much of Helen, and casting around for ways that I can lessen the burden. I think that there are places where the demands of life in my family situation has shown areas where she can grow, I think she has vastly outperformed all reasonable expectations.
And I would add that while Helen sometimes expresses frustration with specific decisions I make, she often talks about how many burdens I have and expresses admiration for how well I manage to bear them (at least in her perception). I don’t think her expectations of ME are too high in any area; and there is no place I can think of where I would ask her to be “less hard on me.”
So I think this day’s dare should be edited a bit for our marriage:
Helen, I dare you to think of one area where you believe you fail to come up to God’s expectations, and tell Him you’re sorry for being so hard on yourself about it.
炼爱40天日记（更新中）：
