今日挑战：重新写下你的誓约放在家里。也许可以在牧师和家人面前重立你的婚约。让你们婚姻的价值成为上帝眼中活的盟约，表明你很荣幸能与伴侣结合。
2015.11.27
在感恩节过后的第一天，40天的炼爱旅程到达了终点。
但是，就像书中所说的：
这其实只是一个开始，接下来的旅程要延续一生之久。
对我的先生，我要献上无比的感谢，因为我并没有和他提前打招呼，就一下子将他拖进来一起做功课。开头我只是想分享这本书，我觉得如果千万个家庭里面能融入上帝的不离不弃、无条件的爱，可以给那些家庭带去多少改变，增添多少甜蜜祝福。后来我希望大家不要觉得这只是书本上的东西，现实当中根本无法操作，所以就跟先生宣布我的决定：嘿，从今天起，我们一起来做这个“炼爱”挑战，每天你要给我交作业！
他说OK，然后，就开始了。
其实，我低估了一个40天的工程的艰巨性。我是一个没什么坚持毅力的人，所以与往常一样，在做了四五天之后，我开始觉得后悔，有一些烦躁，因为没有想到要投入那么多的时间精力。录完声音要编辑处理，加音乐，除了自己要写作业，还有先生的作业要我盯着，而且还要翻译，然后再把音频和文字都做到微信的平台里面去，每一天都是好几个小时的工作量……
到这最后一天，我回想起来，单是这40天对我来说都像是一个婚姻的旅程：
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开始的时候，很新鲜、很兴奋；
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过了一段时间开始意识到艰难险阻，耗费大量的时间和心血，不禁怀疑有价值吗？有意义吗？选择对了吗？能停止不？
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然后因为这已经是约定，是承诺，需要斩断所有退路，咬牙往前走；
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再然后又开始体会到一些美好、甜蜜、惊喜，不仅是对自己有益处，对别人也有帮助……
见到很多人每天都有得着，心里又得到无比的安慰；虽然我已经读过一遍书，但是在制作的过程中，又听，又看，又写，又得到不断的提醒，又继续不断的反省，又有不同的收获……感觉自己像是糖炒栗子般被无数次地翻着炒着。
真金才不怕火炼呀，我这一块破铜烂铁真被“炼”得挺痛苦的，眼前闪过自己与先生以及孩子相处的很多不足之处。
整个过程恰如书中所预告的：痛苦又甜蜜的旅程。到达终点的时候还是觉得不枉此行，感恩一切被炼的痛苦，与一切预料之中或预料之外的甜蜜。
婚姻大抵也是如此吧，两个破碎的罪人来到一起，在被日常琐碎所分割的时光里，在各样的事件里，一起学习爱，学习爱应该包含的一切特质：忍耐、恩慈、尊重、体贴、包容、原谅、珍惜、圣洁、谦让、理解、忠诚、鼓励、牺牲、同心合意、永不止息……在生活的熔炉里，我们一直被锤炼着，朝着上帝要我们成为的样式迈进。
我总这样不断提醒自己，从具体的人事物中跳出来，用上帝从宇宙中观看地球的角度，在不如芝麻大的小球上，任何目前折磨着我们的事儿，都小得用显微镜也看不到了，在永恒里还算什么呀？这样，还有什么是重要的呢？我们回应所有事情的态度，对待所有人的态度，我们心生的所有情绪，我们最后做出的所有决定，是站在魔鬼一边，还是站在上帝一边。这些才是人生这场考试的重点，才是上帝这个大考官在我们交卷时要审查的。
也许我与先生在整个炼爱过程中都体现了我们的互敬互爱还有各种包容、体谅、支持，但是不要羡慕我们，因为我们只是经过了各自的伤痛、又从中学到很多功课之后，被上帝粘在一起的两个碎片儿，要感谢的是上帝。上帝要把我们两人揉和捏制成祂要用的器皿，这其中我们同样要经过很多的磨合、碰撞，所以学功课永远都是“正在进行时”，因为祂的爱既永不止息，祂的锤炼就不会停止。
如果你正在经历痛苦忧伤绝望心碎，我建议你完完全全把你的心交给上帝处理吧，反正它也碎成片片，你自己怎么拼都拼不到原来的样子了，不是吗？可是，你放手交给上帝锤锤打打，祂能化腐朽为神奇，祂能将你破碎的心拼成你想象不到的美丽图画——就像祂对我们所做的。
今天我们在三个孩子面前重新宣读婚约——感恩节假期，不好意思打扰牧师呀。先生乘机对孩子们叙述了一下婚姻的目的，告诉他们绝对不能只是为得到快乐去结婚。凯凯不停点头，不晓得懂了多少。
先生：Kenny，60后，美国人，咨询公司主管
在这四十天旅程的结尾，我们打算重述结婚誓言，我觉得很有必要提醒我们自己：当初我们是为何踏入婚姻的。再有，我认为，所有的已婚夫妇都应该回过头来问问自己是为什么结婚的——如果你都不知道你为何要结婚，你怎么知道为何还要维持婚姻？
如公祷书所列出的，从圣经出发婚姻有四个目的：一个是关于上帝的奥秘，另外三个则比较实际。
1．如果我们是基督徒，那么婚姻中的夫妻关系可以帮助我们理解基督耶稣和教会的关系。当然这并不是一种完美的体现，因为没有一个丈夫是完美的。并且，我们对上帝的理解总是有偏差、不完美的。
2．通过婚姻，可以养儿育女，孩子们可以在虔敬的环境中被抚养长大，认识上帝，实现上帝对他们人生的计划。
3．婚姻可以通过圣洁的方式满足两性关系的需求（避免罪恶淫乱）。
4．夫妻双方在婚姻中彼此陪伴、互相帮助、互相安慰。
在当今西方世界，从普罗大众的态度到政府制定的政策，再加上科技的进步发展，这所有的一切加在一起已经摧毁了西方人对婚姻的正确理解，他们认为婚姻纯粹是为了自我满足，只有一点点或者完全没有责任在里面。十八世纪、十九世纪中掀起的浪漫主义运动，在十九世纪六十年代达到高潮，性被认为是对人类最重要的享乐，享乐主义被当作是人类通向快乐的唯一途径。这导致绝大多数美国人都相信婚姻的唯一意义是给自己带来快乐，并让性爱初期的激情所带来的短暂愉悦变成永恒。
在美国，婚姻已经与社会责任没有瓜葛，只剩下一些法律上的特权。绝大多数美国人都认为如果一段婚姻让一个人不开心（非常主观的一种感觉），这就表示这个婚姻唯一的目的失败了，也就可以毫不犹豫、心安理得的抛弃了。对他们来说，“这个婚姻对我来说行不通”是离婚的堂而皇之的理由。婚姻不再是一生的承诺，只是一个永远有条件的商业协议，任何一方都可以毫无道德愧疚地自由离开，只不过经济上可能要承受重大损失。在任何时候，如果对于“我从这婚姻里面还能得到什么？”这个问题的答案是“显然什么也没有了”，他们就会走人，而且觉得理所当然。
如果你想，你可以说婚姻的目的是让彼此快乐，可其实，不是这样。如果我们（一个人的时候）已经知道如何快乐，那么我们是可以让彼此更快乐。但每个人最基本的快乐只有从他自己和上帝之间产生，这个，别人是提供不了的。
你看，没有人可以承担让别人快乐起来的重担。
他们孤单的时候，我们可以陪伴；他们有需要的时候，我们可以提供帮助；他们悲伤的时候，我们可以安慰。我们所不能做的，就是让他们快乐。
最终，快乐与否，是每一个人为自己做的选择。如果你告诉我，你的快乐取决于你的伴侣，我可以告诉你两件事：第一，这最终是不对的；第二，你很可能会不快乐。
快乐还与性格有关。一个性格很好的基本上算得比较快乐的人，会因为一个很棒的先生或太太得到更大祝福。还有，深层的快乐还来自于一个性格要素：正直诚实，它让你信守诺言。不管顺境逆境，你已经许下（婚姻的）诺言，上帝是轻慢不得的，在打破承诺的行为中你找不到快乐。
我也不是说在任何情况下你都不能离婚。在我看来，耶稣说如果一方犯了淫乱的罪，另一方就不用履行婚姻的义务，我想另外在一些极端的状况下（特别是为了保护孩子的安全）可以有合法的分居。但，在美国，大多数的离婚只是由一些失望引起，说什么“我以为我娶了你会更快乐，没想到事实上我并没有更快乐”。好吧，也许你在你的婚姻中没有找到什么快乐，就算这是真的，你一走了之也不会得到什么快乐。
今天我对我的妻子重新立下婚约：
“我Kenny奉上帝的圣名，娶你Helen为妻，从今以后，无论安乐困苦，富贵贫穷，康健病患，我必敬爱你，爱护你，终生不渝。这是我的誓约。”
At the end of the forty days, as we look to re-affirm our wedding vows, it is worthwhile to remind ourselves of why we got married in the first place. Also, we, married couples, must always come back to ask ourselves why we should get married in the first place — if you do not know why you should get married, how can you know why you should stay married?
As the Prayer Books lays it out, there are four Biblical purposes in marriage: one mystical, and three practical.
(1) Because, if we are Christians, the relationship between husband and wife provides us with a template for understanding the relationship between Christ and His Church (an imperfect one, of course, since no husband is perfect; but then all our understandings of God are imperfect in some way or another). (2) So children may be born and grow up in a godly and nurturing environment and may come to know God and fulfill His purposes for their lives. (3) So that sexual needs may be fulfilled in a godly context. (4) For mutual “society, help and comfort.”
In the modern West, a combination of societal attitudes, government policy, and technological advancement have all but destroyed the modern Western capacity to understand marriage as anything but a purely selfish exercise in self-gratification with little or no obligation. The Romantic movement of the past two centuries, with its culmination in the 1960’s of sexual passion as the highest of all human goods and of hedonism as the only path to human happiness, has brought us to a point where the overwhelming majority of Americans believe that the only purpose of marriage is to make oneself happy, primarily by promising to make permanent the transitory delights of the early stages of erotic passion.
There are, in America, no remaining social responsibilities associated with marriage, though there are still some legal privileges associated with it; and indeed the overwhelming majority of Americans feel that a marriage that makes a person “unhappy” (in the most subjective of senses) is a marriage that has failed in its only purpose and can therefore be abandoned without qualm. “The marriage just wasn’t working for me,” is a perfectly reasonable explanation, to most Americans, for why a person would choose to divorce their spouse. Marriage is no true lifetime commitment, merely an always-conditional business arrangement that either side is morally free to leave at will, though possibly at significant economic cost. If at any point the answer to the question, “What’s in it for me?” is, “Apparently nothing,” then most Americans feel completely justified in walking away.
You can, if you want, say that this purpose for marriage is for each person to make the other one happy. And yet that is not actually what is there. We can make each other happiER, if each of us already knows how to be happy. But we can’t provide the fundamental level of happiness that each happy person must derive between himself and God.
You see, no person can carry the burden of making another person happy. We can be with them so that they do not have to be alone (“society”). Where they have needs, we can help meet those needs (“help”). Where they are bereaved and suffering, we can show them love and give them comfort (“comfort”).
What we cannot do, is make them happy. In the end, happiness is something that each individual chooses to have, or not, for himself. If you tell me that your happiness depends on your spouse, then I will tell you two things: one, that that is not ultimately true; and two, that you are likely to wind up unhappy.
Happiness in the end is a matter of character. A person of good character who is basically happy may be blessed with a wonderful wife or husband. And part of the character that is required for deep happiness, is integrity, the thing that makes you keep your word. You have made a promise, for better or for worse. God is not mocked, and happiness is not found in the breaking of promises.
I don’t say that there are no circumstances in which you can seek a divorce; Jesus Himself appears to me to say rather plainly that adultery in one party releases the other party from obligations, and I think there are certain other extreme cases (especially involving protection of children) that can justify at least a legal separation. But the overwhelming majority of divorces in America result simply from the kind of disappointment that says, “I thought I would be happy if I married you, but it turns out that I am not.” And in such cases…well, you may not have found happiness in your marriage. But even if this is true, you will not find happiness by walking away from it.
Today, I renewed my vows to my wife:
“In the name of God, I, Kenny, take you, Helen, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.”
炼爱40天日记（更新中）：
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